I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
