after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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