I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
