I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
we should paint friendship bongs
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
