pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
