I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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