The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm bleeding and have questions
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
