you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
