he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
