i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
