New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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