rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
