Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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