when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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