Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
