your parents love me but you hate me
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
