matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
