Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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