If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
