Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
