im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
