you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
