ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it penis luge time yet?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
