Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
