Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
