I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
