I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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