had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
