My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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