Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How does one acquire holy water?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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