hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
