This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
