i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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