All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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