The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
