when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
