before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
