Im at strip club and am horny
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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