She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
