last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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