Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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