I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
