So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have fence marks all over my body
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
