This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
