Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
