Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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