Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
