come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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