I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
