Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
